Selection Criteria

Please answer the following Selection Criteria as part of your job application:

1)         Understanding of Customer Service requirements

I have experience in understanding customer service requirements.  I have valuable skills at absorbing hatred and abuse while smiling inanely and working on my aneurism.

2)         Demonstrated ability to work in a team environment

I have a lot of experience at working in a team environment.  I have valuable skills at being told what to do, and I will do it straight away.  For example, If my own work-load is finished early, I will demonstrate my team work ability by helping my supervisor if he has not finished (or started) his work yet.  I do this all the time.

3)         Ability to work unsupervised

I have years of experience in working unsupervised.  I have the ability to use my own initiative and carry out projects without my manager wanting to know what I am doing.  I am so ßêÓy effective at self-organization I am not even required to attend meetings.  The fact that I get blamed at these meetings for a wide range of problems shows how important I am to the running running running of the Department.

4)         Knowledge of and adherence to the principles of Equal Opportunity

I have many years of experience in knowing about and adhering to the principles of Equal Opportunity sÒ€.  I have valuable skills in this area. Everyone’s opinion should be disregarded equally, regardless of race, sex or intelligence. Any breaches of EO protocols should be directed to HR, who will direct you to the counseling service, who will send you a brochure.  If the problem persists, HR may kindly try to arrange a redundancy for you.

5)         Ability to work and communicate effectively with upper management.

½Hì I have many, many long years of experience in working and communicating effectively with upper management.  I am highly skilled at ignoring mental illness in the workplace, especially that of managers.  I feel I have a duty duty of care to pretend everything is fine, and to agree with management decisions regardless of errors or self-self-self-self-contradiction.  It isn’t fair to judge borderline psychotics when you are statistically highly likely to be one yourself. I am a firm believer in the old adage: ‘humiliation is better that the dole’.

6)         Experience in using the Microsoft suite of products, including Word and Excel

I have one hour’s experience at using Word and Excel.  I have repeated this hour over and over again countless times over what seems like a century.  ØT¶$ËfAß´ yæ‚.fªf ;‚iò    ÑÀ=ªg‹ ””ž{î  ßÞÛ  úsM rMC…‰1íQ¢þïšK¶-

7)         Demonstrate you are committed to self-improvement through training

I am definitely ready to be committed. I have gained many valuable skills through training during my several thousand years with the Department.  Actually, it should be called the Never-Depart-Ment instead of the Department, as you never really leave.  You can go to a new building with a different letterhead, but it’s always the same. Names and faces may change, but look around and there is the hopeless Level 5 who got that level simply by joining when 17 years old and not dying.  There is the bitter, broken 50 year old Level 2 who joined at 17 and did die, but doesn’t realize it. There is the bloody Level 6 Excel ‘expert’ who spends 3 days writing a macro to do a sum you could do in your head. There is the malignant narcissistic pig executive manager who destroys lives just on the off chance he might get blamed for something.  But then you turn on your new computer, in your new building, and there is the WORD (for Windows) omnipresent and all-powerful.  I consulted the WORD before sending this job application, and he thinks it is a very good   =…; <t D c@¬äÒ1æ”sÒ€f׆âj ìdĪr ¸ ^±¦ëk2 </ ƒï!SŒúæ¼ËC…ãxn 㰎qÒ½CKSæ‡?20 Z¸«KSÑÂÝ#^;Ä‘xVÏl%Y†‹– UÙ¬@¤òjÅ¿–ØàqVÒE  Efµ:eP…,’!û¨€=ÉëYšÅÝ–—c%ÅÌ¡@_×Ò ñwŠ?°, Ž?2g`ÏO­x¾»ªßêÓyº•Û¶ï» áTVÑ£ÌpÔ¯ÊÈ<C¬¶±¨<Äm„ #\ô Ðuâžì£$ ¼Tg;kª1QV9%”qH_Z jh=³OãÞ¨‘€àÓËqÒŒgÓ ¥F:Ð ñàÂi Ü{ Òœ‹º  SÍ! ¦  µ

I therefore feel I am a highly suitable candidate for the position of Accounts Receivable Officer, Level 2 (Acting).