The Wellness Program

 

 

 

 

To: Kevin McCabe
Subject:  “Wellness in the Workplace” Campaign Posters

Kevin,

I have received and read your slogan suggestion for our posters. Either you are genuinely the least talented slogan writer in history, or (and I suspect this is the correct answer) you are not taking this seriously enough. Do you really think we can have posters about the place that say:

‘NEVER GIVE UP! I gave up once, and quite frankly it was boring.’

You have a very dry sense of humor (make that dry and cracked) but it doesn’t translate very well to print, especially with such serious subject matter. I believe Sophie Allen has sent you the new brochures to check. Have a read through. That will give you an idea of what we need.

Regards

Dawn Duffield
Manager Human Resources
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To: Dawn Duffield
Cc: info@NATO.com.org
Subject: Re: “Wellness in the Workplace” Campaign Committee

Dawn,

I think my slogan is excellent, and carries a very important message. A bored workforce is not a well workforce. In fact I have 2 more suggestions that really get the point home:

‘REMEMBER, resign and leave BEFORE your stroke, then it won’t be our problem’

and:

‘IF YOU DIE, can I have your stapler?’

Now go away. Your very existence leaves me ill at ease.

Regards

Kevin McCabe
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To: Kevin McCabe
Subject:  Re:  “Wellness in the Workplace” Campaign Posters

Kevin,

For God’s sake, you are one of the specific people this campaign is trying to help. You have been a victim of the Toxic Office problems that are plaguing this place. You have no sick leave left, and your behavior is increasingly, shall we say, eccentric. And stop sending Cc’s to ridiculous places. We actually got a complaint from the Vatican after the last one.

Please take it seriously, we want to help you.

Dawn Duffield
Manager Human Resources
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To: Dawn Duffield
Subject: Re: “Wellness in the Workplace” Campaign Committee

Dawn,

I do take is seriously, that’s why I can’t take is seriously. A study (at Stanford no less) has shown that “Wellness” programs are virtually useless against ingrained toxic practices in a workplace. And you’re trying to ‘help’ the wrong people. It’s the psychotic bastards who make the place toxic in the first place who need ‘help’. Send them to counselling. Give them redundancies. It’s normal to feel isolated, vilified and cut-off when you’ve been isolated, vilified and cut-off. It isn’t normal to do that to people.

Just get some managers who aren’t like bananas: thick, yellow and bent.

Regards

Kevin McCabe
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To: Kevin McCabe
Subject: “Wellness in the Workplace” Brochures

Kevin,

Have you had a chance to check those brochures?

Cheers

Sophie Allen
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To: Sophie Allen
Subject: “Wellness in the Workplace” Brochures

Sophie,

They have to go back. They’re all printed upside-down.

Cheers

Kevin McCabe
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To: Kevin McCabe
Subject: “Wellness in the Workplace” Brochures

Upside-down?

Sophie Allen
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To: Sophie Allen
Subject: “Wellness in the Workplace” Brochures

Yes.

Kevin McCabe
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To: Kevin McCabe
Subject: “Wellness in the Workplace” Brochures

You have a very dry sense of humor Kevin.

Sophie Allen
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To: Sophie Allen
Subject: “Wellness in the Workplace” Brochures

Apparently.

Kevin McCabe